Gwen's 5th Anniversary

Yesterday was the five year anniversary of our Gwendolyn Grace's birth and passing. November has proved to be a difficult month for me over the past five years, and this year I again struggled with how to perfectly mark the anniversary. What I came to realize, was that perfect isn't possible, since perfect would mean that we never lost our little girl.

Instead, I found myself reflecting on the things that I have learned from the experience of being Gwen's mommy. Even though she isn't here, she will always be my child and Hazel and Henley, her siblings.

I know for sure that time doesn't heal, it is the living you do in that time that heals. In the early days of grief, I was stuck. It wasn't until I began to WORK at getting back into my life, a new life - a life without my daughter - that I began to s-l-o-w-l-y heal. Life now with her siblings takes on a whole different kind of living. A kind of living that I LOVE. Watching Hazel and Henley grow into unique little people is the kind of living I always knew I would love. It certainly is the kind of living that heals.

Just when you think it can't get worse, it probably can. I remember having the thought that my woes were the worst after losing Gwen. Then I miscarried a baby 5 months later. Surely, I had hit my rock bottom. I miscarried again 3 months later. It was out of that despair that I really gave up and said, it can get worse, but I sure to HOPE it gets better. You know what, it did. Hazel Elizabeth was born the next year. JOY!

I picked the right guy, and thankfully he picked me too! Beau and I got through losing Gwen in our own ways. The pastor who baptised her sat with Beau and I in the hospital room and shared that losing a child does one of two things to a couple. It either tears the couple apart, or brings them closer together. I NEVER doubted that Beau and I would make it. We will joyfully celebrate our 10th anniversary this coming May.

Men and Women are wired differently. I never understood how different men and women are, until living in grief with Beau and seeing that he processed his feelings so differently. I would have gone to therapy every day, but my therapist husband struggled with going every two weeks. I learned, s-l-o-w-l-y, that this is okay and that just because he didn't show his feelings the same way I did, he still missed our daughter.

Another baby doesn't replace the baby you lost. Though I never questioned this, having two amazing children since losing Gwen does help to camouflage the hole she left in my heart. The hole is there, always will be, but my silly little girl and her delightful little brother, make the spaces all around that hole so full of all the good things in life, that I sometimes forget that hole exists. I guiltily catch myself thinking that maybe the joy of these two new children are making me forget Gwen? This is one of my biggest fears. How could I forget my child? I know I won't, and I know that days like yesterday will come and go, and we will remember her when we need to remember her. I will tell a stranger about her, when I need to talk about my Gwen. I did just that a week ago on my flight home from California. Henley snoozed peacefully on my cramped lap, and the kind pregnant woman next to me was in the mood to chat. We passed the two hour flight sharing about our families. I heard about her two boys and she heard about my children, even Gwen. It felt good to talk about Gwen. I don't as often as I used to, but that day, I must have needed to share her story.

Here is the picture story of Gwen's 5th birthday, and the adventure we took to commemorate her day.

We headed out into the crisp fall day for a walk.

The mission was to collect some special rocks as we strolled, or STOMPED (Richie and Hazel). Gwen's Garden is always in need of some new rocks. (Spring 2006 we put in Gwen's Garden. Spring 2006 was when she would have been due.)

Hazel doesn't really KNOW what death is. We talk sometimes about her sister Gwen who is her angel. Last night, as I tucked her into bed and she said her prayers, she added Gwen.

"Gentle Jesus meek and mild,

look upon each little child.

God Bless mommy & daddy.

God Bless Richie and Henley.

God Bless Hazel and Bella.

God Bless Gwen."

She then insisted on singing Happy Birthday to Gwen...then Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Then she said some more prayers for "angel sister Gwen." It is times like those that I KNOW we will never forget Gwen.

Richie is our 6th foster boy. Our first guy was placed only 3 months after Gwen died. I find myself wondering if my heart would have healed as it has had we not had the opportunity to take in the boys and help them along on their journey of treatment...

I would have brought all these beautiful river rocks for Gwen's garden, had I brought a mule. Instead, I took a picture.

My two munchkins so different and so loved. I treasure them. Sometimes I look at Hazel and wonder would she and Gwen have shared the same smile, the same eyes, or maybe even the same knack for making us laugh? Or would Gwen have been more reserved and thoughtful like her brother Henley, maybe lucky enough to have long lashes like him? I find comfort in believing there are traits in both of Hazel and Henley that Gwen would have also possessed. That comforts my heart since being with them is also like being with her. Makes me want to squeeze them that much tighter!

We are a family, and we smile and celebrate what we have and look ahead to making more dreams come true. Happy Birthday SWEET Gwen. For such a tiny little bundle, you had a HUGE impact. Thank you.